one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
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