What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
