Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Randomize