Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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