i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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