onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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