She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
