I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
