New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
