Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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