so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
