My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
