Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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