Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
