i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
