My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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