Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
