My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
This is my gift to your gina
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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