i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
