Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
