Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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