8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I checked into jail on foursquare
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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