Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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