He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize