Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
