Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize