We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
