A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The chlamydia really affected his face.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
