Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
