Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
