you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
