She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Randomize
