Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
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