I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you didnt know i had herpes?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
