You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
