My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
How does one acquire holy water?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
