conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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