Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
