after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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