The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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