After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
