I cockslap morals
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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