if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
