3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
