R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
