My liver just broke up with me...
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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