so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I seem to have left my pride at pride
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize