1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize