This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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