I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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