Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Randomize
