hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
