im having a threesome with these popsicles
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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