so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
