i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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