I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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