Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
