I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
