Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
