just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
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