So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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