I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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